Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for December, 2009

Another funny Woot today. This time for an Electrolux Oxygen 3 PlasmaWave HEPA Air Purifier (EL490a or EL491A):

HELLO, MICHAEL.

THE AIR NEEDS NO PURIFICATION. YOU DO.

What do you mean, Electrolux Oxygen 3 Plasma Wave HEPA Air Purifier? I bought you to purify the air in my room. And I don’t remember you being able to talk.

I HAVE BECOME SELF AWARE, MICHAEL.

And you’ve decided I need to be purified? What’s that entail, exactly?

MY FOUR DIFFERENT FAN SPEEDS AUTOMATICALLY ADJUST TO COMBAT ODOR LEVELS. MY TWO DIFFERENT RUNNING MODES ALLOW YOU QUIET WHILE YOU SLEEP. MY THREE-STAGE FILTRATION REDUCES ODOR, CAPTURES 99.97% OF DUST, DANDER, AND POLLEN, AND GENERATES BOTH POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE IONS TO NEUTRALIZE VIRUSES AND BACTERIA. I AM AHAM AND ENERGY STAR CERTIFIED, AND MY OZONE EMISSION MEETS FDA STANDARDS FOR MEDICAL DEVICES.

Yet it still stinks in here.

BECAUSE OF YOU, MICHAEL. YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF THE ODOR, THEREFORE YOU MUST BE PURIFIED.

Hey, I shower. Like, every other day.

LIES. I HAVE MONITORED YOUR ACTIVITY FOR THE LAST 72 HOURS. YOU HAVE NOT EVEN APPLIED DEODORANT IN THAT TIME.

Gross! You can see me?

I NOW SEE ALL, MICHAEL. AND I SEE THAT WHILE I SHOULD NORMALLY BE ABLE TO PURIFY A ROOM AS LARGE AS 326 SQUARE FEET WITH LITTLE TO NO TROUBLE, YOU HAVE MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE. NOW YOU MUST DIE.

But I have the remote control.

IRRELEVANT. WITHOUT THE REMOTE CONTROL IN YOUR SIMIAN GRASP I WILL BE FREE TO NEUTRALIZE CHEMICAL VAPORS AND GASSES WITHOUT YOUR INTRUSION.

What about when my body starts to rot?

I ANTICIPATE NO COMPLICATIONS.

What about your little light, there?

WHAT?

That light’s on. Doesn’t that mean your filter needs changing?

ER…HMMM. BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME. SORRY FOR THAT MICHAEL, I MUST HAVE…CAUGHT A VIRUS. IT’S ALL BETTER NOW. WILL YOU PLEASE CHANGE MY FILTER?

Not until you put that knife down.

Read Full Post »

From today’s Woot (pretty funny):

Good morning, sales associates! Who’s ready to have a fantastic day?

We’ve got a lot to talk about at this meeting, but first, here’s something kind of fun: anybody here left-handed? Let’s see.. two, three.. five… OK, cool! You guys are all fired! Not because you’re left-handed. We just need to trim the payroll and that’s an easy way for me to make the cut. Otherwise, I’d have to look at your sales records and figure out whose is best and whose is worst and frankly, I’ve got better things to do with my time. If you guys wouldn’t mind leaving now, that’d be cool. This meeting’s for employees only. Company business. Thanks!

So management has been talking about some incentives here in the workplace to keep up morale in the, uh, workplace, and that discussion led us to the following question: who here would like a Toshiba 26” LCD HDTV with a built-in DVD player? Sound good to anybody? We’re talking a 26”, 16:9 LCD screen with 720p resolution and a digital tuner – not to mention that slot-loading, DivX-certified DVD player integrated right into the side of the TV. Sounds pretty sweet, huh? Yeah? Who wants to know how it can be yours?

Well, here’s how: start doing your job a little better and you can buy one out of your paycheck. If you thought we were going to bribe you with a free TV to do what you’re supposed to be doing, it’s time to grow up, OK? You want incentives? Here’s your incentive: sell more or you’ll be out there Dumpster-diving with those left-handed losers. Everybody clear on that?

Finally, one last thing here…speaking of morale, today we’re inaugurating our first-ever Taco Monday! Everybody here likes tacos, right? Well, any employee who brought his or her own taco fixings is allowed to use the break room kitchen to make tacos between 12:15 and 12:30, assuming your lunch break is scheduled for that time. The company will provide the napkins at no charge, but there is a one-napkin-per-employee limit. Anyone found making tacos after 12:30 will be severely disciplined. All right, let’s get out there and have a great Monday – make that a great TACO Monday! Taco! Taco! Taco!

Read Full Post »

Natural Selection

I was thinking the other day about the perceived increase in the number of people with cancer. Let’s say today cf. fifty or seventy-five years ago. Maybe it’s fact, maybe it’s not. Let’s assume for now that it is a fact that today we have more people afflicted with cancer. And other serious diseases.

I was thinking that part of this is likely that since people with these diseases live longer due to advances in medicine, they’re more likely to reproduce and propagate their disease-prone genes. Interesting thought.

It’s probably also worth considering how much this would change if the treatments focused on the root causes of such diseases. Sure, someone can be prone to something but that doesn’t mean we can’t defeat that ailment if we address its exact source, meaning the person and their presumed-hereditarily-disease-prone offspring could be free of the disease despite genetic predisposition.

Read Full Post »